I hate Halloween movies.

Love the holiday, love the costumes, love the candy, but the movies annoy me.

The genre is so reminiscent of ninth grade, where all the guys tried to out-gross each other by seeing who could go the longest without showering or stuff the most Twinkies in their mouths.

Wait, who was I hanging out with?

Anyway, the major difference between that time and horror flicks is that the boys who make horror movies are grown up.

Here’s my proof that horror movies are made for guys.

1. Oops, my blouse flew off!

This is a freebie. One thing guys adore about horror flicks is they have a 50 percent (I know, that’s conservative) chance of seeing the heroine’s boobies (can I say that?).

Yes, as Stacey ran from a live scarecrow, a stray stalk of corn tragically ripped a hole in her shirt, conveniently where her bra should have been. Gee, I wonder how that happened.

2. Uhh ... I couldn’t find a normal weapon, so I grabbed this machete.

Guys consider unusual use of random tools a sign of creativity. “Wow, I wouldn’t have thought to use a can-opener as a scalpel,” is one reason the unlikelihood of using such odd objects to slice and dice the victims is scripted just for boys. No girls allowed here.

3. So, the front door to my house is, like, totally in my bathroom.

Let me see. If I were being chased in my house, where would I run first? Hmm, maybe a door or window? Wow! That was a toughie!

Boys like seeing heroine Holly run upstairs and lock herself in her bathroom to escape the big bad sociopath. It reinforces the idea that women mysteriously lose their common sense when their men aren’t around.

4. I’m taking my adolescence out on everyone, and I deserve to be stabbed in the jugular for it.

It’s like taking those teen fantasies guys had when they were younger and giving cinematic life to them.

Since they certainly would have been jailed for acting them out. Horror movies provide internal satisfaction to those who were too chicken to confront their childhood rivals.

5. Even though we’re running for our lives, let’s squeeze in a quick make-out session.

No matter how scary the villain or close to death the leading man may be, he always manages to pucker up for his leading lady.

I’m sorry, but in the eyes of a lengthy and gruesome death, a smart dude would at least wait until he’s snuggled into his hospital bed to beg his girl for a smooch.

And women wonder why men have such a difficult time being romantic under pressure. “Hey honey, I know there’s some guy with an ax trying to chop us into bacon bits, but come to papa!” Yeah, not cute.

Whatever. Happy Halloween!

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