Dear “Dancing with the Stars,”

You’re the biggest waste of primetime airspace in the history of ever.
First, you were on British TV. Fine, I get that you want to branch out, take new opportunities and flood our airwaves with crap. You probably thought that since “Pop Idol” was successful here as “American Idol,” you’d cash in a second time.

Golly gee whiz, you’re in serious need of a clue.

Here’s a simple breakdown of your formula: 1) Find actors on the C-list or below; 2) Pair them with “professional dancers” to make them appear as if they have talent; 3) Cover the famous people from head to toe in glitter ruffles and an entire can of Aqua Net hair spray.

Voila! Americans really needed another “Let’s resuscitate the has-beens by transforming them into dancing monkeys” show. As if “Big Brother” and “The Surreal Life” weren’t enough. At least those shows weren’t blanketed by taffeta.

By the way, smack Samantha Harris for me, please. She keeps putting a microphone in Marlee Matlin’s face during the interviews when they come offstage. Matlin is deaf! Did you miss the interpreter standing right next to you?

“Dancing,” you’re already superficial. You’re based on twirling and twinkle-toes. Thanks to your airhead of a host, you can add “ignorant” to the list, too.

Since you’re too blinded by sequins to see my point, at least stop marketing yourself as a real competition. It’s a ballroom dancing show with famous people trying to look as if they know how to get their groove on. I’m sorry, but I do not want to see Adam Carolla in Spandex.

Admit it: You make them dance because it’s funny. They have no dance background, so it’s clearly a shot in the dark for each one of them. Remember when Jerry Springer was on the show? Point proven.

I’m sorry, I can’t help it: You make me cringe.

Whew. I feel a little better.

And, no, you may not have this next dance.

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