Andrew Hansen: Have you been following this Cedric Benson boat escapade? Apparently people are saying he wasn’t drunk and that the police beat him up.
Andy Pruski: That’s unfortunate. It’s like Juan Uribe all over again; first, they say he killed someone. Next thing you know, he’s back on the team. Oh, well, maybe they will have more proof next time.

AH: I always thought that partying with athletes would be great, but now it doesn’t look so good.
AP: Don’t kid yourself; if you have the chance to party with an athlete, you have to take it. Who are you hoping to run into at Fatty’s this weekend?

AH: Well, off the top of my head, I’d say Rasheed Wallace, but I think that one’s obvious.
AP: Think he’d let you rub his bald spot?

AH: That’s actually hair. But no, I don’t think he’d let me.
AP: I’m going to go with some football players, or, rather, ex-football players. I’d definitely take the chance to party with Rashaan Salaam and Ricky Williams. They both seem like very spiritual, tranquil people.

AH: I don’t know. Salaam would probably drop his drinks all over the place.
AP: True, and Ricky would have a hard time drinking through his helmet. How about we pull a Celtic Pride and get Rex Grossman drunk and kidnap him?

AH: Grossman seems like he’d whine too much. John Daly would probably just let us get him drunk and we wouldn’t have to kidnap him.
AP: What about getting Dikembe Mutombo drunk? Could it get better than having him drunk-dial your friends?

AH: Ah, the great Dikembe Mutombo. I don’t know how well the finger wag would translate through phone lines, though.
AP: He’s hard enough to understand sober. Maybe when he’s drunk he talks like Chris Mullin.

AH: Chris Mullin? I don’t understand the reference. You’re a White Sox fan, so maybe you could party in their clubhouse, if blow-up dolls are your thing.
AP: Well wouldn’t Mullin be the exact opposite of Mount Mutombo? I’m gonna leave that White Sox comment alone.
AH: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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