The next time you find yourself walking alongside the East Lagoon you better watch yourself.

Recently an alligator was caught lurking in the mucky waters of the Kishwaukee River near our campus. It is not known what this vicious creature wanted, but logic says the scaly leviathan was looking for trouble.

The DeKalb County Health Department said the three-foot long alligator was likely someone’s pet before being set free. “Wait a minute,” you say. “The alligator was someone’s pet, and was only three feet long? That doesn’t sound like a ‘scaly leviathan … looking for trouble’ to me.”

My retort to your preposterous rebuttal: What if?

As a new student to campus this semester I already had my fair share of public safety concerns, and now we also have to contend with primordial reptiles of the deep — what else is there to worry about? If we have to worry about alligators there must be plenty of other public safety concerns stalking us while we sleep. Consider these examples:

1. Trans fats: To be completely honest I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a trans fat is. For all I know they are fats that pretend to be fiber. However, we are told that they are dangerous. Therefore, they must be. So let’s get rid of these nutritional risks before they corrupt our youth.

2. Tasers: Everyone should have a Taser. They should be handed out to every student as soon as they are enrolled in this fine institution. What better way is there to protect yourself from impending doom? There’s no better way, bro.

3. Video surveillance — everywhere: Video cameras should be placed anywhere possible on and off campus. I don’t even live on campus, but I’d support ultra-vigilance no matter the cost.
“Those are horrible ideas,” you mutter ignorantly. “There is no reason to get thrown into a panic because of a three foot alligator!”

One reader on the Northern Star Web site summed up how wrong you are, “WHY IS THIS NOT FRONT PAGE MATERIAL AND WE ARE IN A COMPLETE PANIC… THERE IS A GATOR ON THE LOOSE IN THE KISH. WHAT IS IT GOING TO TAKE SOMEONE EATEN?”

Alligators are dangerous no matter their size. Imagine you’re walking around the lagoon on your first date. You are just about to make your first move on this person you’ve been pining for, and all of the sudden, SNAP! the gator attacks. The next thing you know you’re out of commission, and two years later you’ve become an embittered alligator hunter bent on revenge.

Now do you think its wrong for us to be “IN A COMPLETE PANIC?” Didn’t think so. There are innumerable threats everywhere. Sure, there are professionals on every level to protect you, but you should still be worried! If you’re not worried; you’re not living. The best advice is to never, ever leave your house. Now that’s living.

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