Two men assaulted and robbed a ghost Friday morning.

Betelgeuse, 856 of Purgatory, was summoned to the corner of Franklin and Sixth streets at approximately 3:15 a.m., said police.

“I was sitting at home, minding my own business, when I hear my name three times,” said Betelgeuse. “That’s my cue to go to work.”

Betelgeuse runs his own bio-exorcism business out of his home. His services can only be acquired by repeating his name three times. Only then can he exit Purgatory and begin his job of exterminating the living for the dead.

Officer Kenneth Jardan said Betelgeuse was most likely chosen because he was an easy target.

“The muggers knew he would show up and be ready to talk to ghosts, which pose no harm to other ghosts,” Jardan said. “They were waiting with a garlic-scented frying pan and a sock full of nickels.”

Betelgeuse said the garlic-scent of the pan did not do any added harm besides making him smell like a “fat guy’s undershirt.”

When paramedics arrived at the scene, there was some confusion. Betelgeuse was initially declared dead and well into the process of decomposition, but when he informed the paramedics that he was already dead, his condition was upgraded to as-close-to-living-as-he-was-going-to-get.

The two muggers are still at large and are evading capture because they were wearing disguises, according to Betelgeuse.

Jardan said one suspect was in blue-face and wearing a blue sweatshirt and the other was dressed like 13th U.S. President Millard Fillmore with a cape. Police said they are on the lookout for two males, both approximately 5 feet 8 inches tall, fitting the description.

Police said the muggers stole Betelgeuse’s shoes and wallet, which contained $17, an autograph of Pope Leo IX signed by Pope Sisinnius and a coupon for a free root beer at Professor Strustrum’s Land, Sea and Air Eatararium.

Anyone with information leading to the arrest of the two muggers will be rewarded with a ‘Commit a Free Misdemeanor Card,’ said police. The card covers all trespassing offences or any crime of equal or lesser value.

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