Dear food channels everywhere,

I’m insulted. I understand inexplicable celebrity is inevitable. I also get that, above all else, the media is a business and needs to make a buck.

But you’ve reached a new low. Coolio has an Internet cooking show, “Cooking with Coolio,” and Jessica Simpson has an “open invitation” to audition for Top Chef whenever she wants.

How’s your advertising campaign going to run? “And out of friggin’ nowhere, it’s Coolio!” or perhaps “After learning the truth about the Chicken of the Sea, here’s Jessica Simpson’s cooking show!”

Where has Coolio even been for the past decade? Such questions are of the “chicken or the egg” family. It’s OK. You can stop thinking so hard.

However, how could you offer them free publicity just because they say they can cook? Like, really? What about the peons like me who actually can cook? Aren’t you interested in the spicy tricks I have up my sleeve?

Jessica Simpson doesn’t even know what a buffalo wing is. Not to air out dirty laundry or anything, but do you think maybe next time she’ll ask how to crack a caviar egg or what kind of cows make chocolate milk? This isn’t “Dancing With the Stars,” where you can tap dance for five minutes and completely resuscitate a craptastic career.

I don’t know about you, but I remember “Newlyweds,” when that fairy tale was still living and breathing. Something tells me Simpson’s childhood buddy couldn’t hack it as a fast-paced sous chef on “Top Chef,” the show for which she reportedly has an “open invitation.”

And then there’s Coolio. As a tween, I loved Coolio. I thought jamming out to him, bobbing my head to the “Eddie” soundtrack was going to make me cool. Sure, he was popular about a decade ago, but what about him makes him marketable now? “Random” doesn’t even begin to cover that. The assertion that because someone can sing, they can cook is ridiculous. It’s insulting to see how long you’re scrounging for content. Leave the pathetic career revivals to “Dancing With the Stars,” where at least the facade is gussied up in sequins. Everyone likes sequins.

Yours Truly,
Nyssa Bulkes

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