The NIU Homecoming Parade Saturday morning is a chance for students to show the DeKalb community what Huskie Pride is all about. Here are some floats that you may not be seeing tomorrow.

1. University Police Float: Throwing rejected Freedom of Information Act requests like a ticker-tape parade, the UP float can lead the parade just to keep everyone aware there is absolutely no crime anywhere in the parade. Just take their word for it. The float can be powered by a combination of Police Chief Donald Grady’s ego and UP’s electronic squad cars.

2. NIU Administration Float: Featuring the Dr. Brian Hemphill chorus line and President John Peters Big Band Jazz ensemble, the administration float will show the true talents of the higher ups. The float could be pushed by Student Association and University Council student representatives who decline to show up to meetings and represent their peers, further allowing the administration to have all the say on the campus.

3. Cole Hall Float: A bold design choice of a completely empty float, because no one could decide what to actually do with the float. This float doesn’t actually go anywhere, but instead sits in the middle of all the other floats, wasting perfectly good space where anything could go. The float can’t even move on its own, because some jerk who promised to pay for the float spent the money on a box of kazoos before getting himself arrested and kicked out of the parade.

4. The 1000 W. Lincoln Hwy. Float: Powered off the burning of liquor licenses the City of DeKalb strangely keeps giving this float, this entry will never be the same at any point during the parade. Constantly being shut down and bought by a new owner, this float will be given a new name every time it turns onto a new street before inevitably crashing and burning near the end. By the end of the parade, no one will know what this float is actually called, but will know that there is probable cause to stay away from it.

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