RATING:


“I killed the Smurfs,” proclaims Dustin “Screech” Diamond.

This opening line from “Behind The Bell,” a tell-all exposé on “Saved By The Bell,” sets the tone nicely. Diamond wants you know he isn’t the curly-haired, coarse-voiced nerd-bomber of the ‘90s anymore. No way, that was just a “character.” Now, he wants you to believe he’s macho former child star who has had sex with over 2,000 women (he’s counted).

This new dirt sheet, under the guise of a legitimate autobiography, is nothing more than a vast collection of drinking-fountain gossip. Chapter by chapter, sentence by sentence, Diamond gets revenge for all of those years of being shoved in lockers.

For example, he says Mario “A.C. Slater” Lopez raped a girl and NBC lawyers paid her off to be quiet. He says Mark-Paul “Zack Morris” Gosselaar did so many steroids his body broke out with acne. The biggest revelation? Neil Patrick Harris was a certifiable primadonna who hooked up with Ed “Max” Alozono. OMG.

Diamond justifies his newfound passion for singing like a canary with “I’m just telling it like it is, man.” But his anecdotes and mean-spirited quips fail to bring any feelings besides bitterness and laughable self-pity.

He constantly circles around the fact that everyone on set was sleeping with each other and swapping partners, except for him. Since Lisa Turtle wasn’t giving him any loving, he counters all of this with his seemingly infinite sexual escapades at Disneyland, hooking up with “SBTB” groupies. If Diamond is a ladies man, Rick Moranis is God.

“Behind The Bell” is as entertaining as any supermarket tabloid. But, instead of delving into the real psyche of a true pop-culture icon, he opts for the easier, more scandalous way out. As much as he would like to think he never was that character, he writes for vengeance. The man’s ego is as big as his Brillo-pad-covered head.

By the end of the book, you don’t feel more complete by knowing that Kelly Kapowski was like the town bicycle. You are overwhelmed with pity. Either this guy is strapped for cash or he really is that big of a jerk.

What would Mr. Belding say now, Screech?

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