DeKALB | You love it, you hate it, but you don’t have the choice to use it.

Each semester, MyNIU grabs students by their respective sex organs, forces them to sign up at inconvenient and seemingly random times and lures them in with false promises of eligible classes. Here are some problems I foresee in this semester’s registration.

1. MyNIU Becomes Self Aware.
Fueled by Skynet, MyNIU becomes a living and thinking machine that identifies students as its enemies.

But unlike Skynet, MyNIU only has electric-powered University Police cars at its disposal, which it quickly drives off campus claiming the student body is a “lynch mob.” Thirty days later, the Skynet-powered system will shut down, and the Decepticon UP cars will return to campus finally aware they can’t get away with whatever they want.

2. Santa Takes Over.
Students pulled out their catalogs, browsed their respective majors’ Web sites and filled out their wish list with hopes they would wake up registration day morning to find all their classes open and ready to go.

But through a processing error, all wish lists were mailed to Santa Clause and then deleted. Students should anticipate getting their required classes Christmas morning; otherwise, the wish list feature would just be a completely useless waste of time.

3. National Treasurer 3: The Hunt for Peters’ Gold.
As many students wake up eager to sign up for classes, they find they are unable to register because of a “hold” on their account.

While trying to follow up with Financial Aid, students are sent on a journey through history to find John Peters’ hidden gold, taking them through exotic locations from William Goose’s memorial to the top of the Holmes Student Center.

It is a journey of self discovery and redemption as you try and clear your family’s name and earn a place in history.

You are of course richer for the experience at the end, because Financial Aid would never waste anyone’s time with meaningless tasks when the whole problem could be fixed with a simple click of a mouse.

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